This post falls under the bizarre with a touch of crazy.
You see, lately, a little part of me thinks I caused my husband’s death.
How? By wondering what I would do if he died.
Okay, let’s back track a bit and I’ll clarify.
My husband died from complications from routine surgery. When he went in for the surgery, I wondered what would happen, how I would react if he didn’t make it.
And he didn’t.
So was I jinxing his surgery? Did I somehow wish this?
No. At least that is what my brain is telling me. But the illogical part of me still wonders.
Remember I said in an earlier post about how sudden widowhood shifts your thinking? It does. You start perceiving things in a different way. Irrational thoughts and ideas dance through your mind. All of the what ifs, the should haves, the hows and the whys.
So the thought that my simple wondering may have caused his death is doing the tango through my cerebellum.
I have a friend who lost her son in Iraq. We were talking about this and she admitted that she did the same for her son. She imagined how she would react, what she would do if her son was wounded, or worse, killed.
She wondered strange things like, would his fiancé still be considered her daughter-in-law. She even had the question of whether they would get their deposit back on the VFW hall they reserved for her son’s wedding when he returned from deployment.
Why would that even be an issue? That would be the least of her problems and concerns. But she had that thought anyways.
Does that mean that she cared more for the deposit than her son? Of course not. It was just a way for her to prepare for the worst and focusing on the minute, mundane details pulled her imagination away from the horrific idea of losing him.
I did the same for my husband. Days before his surgery, I wondered what I would do, how I would react, how much his funeral would cost. I even had the thought that maybe we should have gotten life insurance on him, just in case.
Did I want my husband to die? No. Was the life insurance more important than having my husband with me? No.
It was just a natural instinct to prepare for the worst. A need to shelter myself from the unimaginable nightmare of losing him.
And trust me, it was far, far worse than I imagined. Unbelievably worse.
We’ve all had thoughts like that. What would I do if my mother dies, my father, my best friend, my boss. The list goes on and on. It’s a natural thing. Because we are genetically programmed to survive and survival depends on being prepared.
The same as if we wondered what we would do in an earthquake, a tornado or any other natural disaster.
Because losing a loved one is a disaster. It may only impact a few people compared to the thousands that a flood would devastate. But to those few people, it is as painful and nightmarish as anything that Mother Nature could throw at us.
So being prepared for it, well, as much as one can be, can be beneficial. Look how many people already buy their plots in a cemetery. Or have life insurance. Or a living will.
So wondering what you would do if you became a widow does not mean that you want to be one. It doesn’t mean that you caused your husband’s death. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love or cherish your husband.
It simply means that you are human.