When I started this project of chronicling the treacherous path of widowhood, I promised myself I would write about everything that went on. The bad and the good. The uplifting and the not-so-flattering. So that brings me to this not-so-flattering post today.
I was idly watching TV, not really paying any attention to it when the commercial for the dating site FarmersOnly.com came on. Completely out of the blue I wondered if I should join that.
Even before the thought was finished, my inner voice gasped at it. What am I doing? I’m thinking of looking for a date? I loved my husband so much that a part of me died with him. How the hell could I even entertain the thought of being with someone else? The thought nauseated me and scared me. Was I such a cold-hearted bitch that I could even think of joining a dating site when my husband has only been dead for barely over a month??
So I muted the TV and sat back and thought about what had just happened. Horrified at how I could even think such a thing.
And that’s when I realized exactly why I had that thought. I didn’t want someone else, I wanted what I had and lost. Somewhere in my reasoning, irrational as it is, I wanted to join that site to look for my husband. Whenever I really thought about finding someone on a site like that, my husband’s picture came to mind.
I wanted the security that he provided me. I wanted that feeling that together we could overcome anything. I wanted the love that I felt whenever he looked at me and smiled. I wanted to have that melting feeling every time he touched me. I wanted that feeling of being a part of ‘husband and wife’ as we walked or sat hand in hand.
I wasn’t a cold-hearted bitch to have that thought. I was a normal, lonely, soul-aching widow who would do anything to get back what she lost.
It’s a natural response. It’s an instinctive need to regain what was lost. In the dating world, they even have a term for it: rebound.
Mothers who have lost a child have had thoughts about having another one immediately. Widows and widowers seek out others, searching for a glimpse of what they had. Not to replace, never replace, but to regain some of what is gone forever. To ease that gaping rift.
And I can understand it. I have a huge hole in my life and nature abhors a vacuum. My mind was trying to fill the void that suddenly appeared in my life.
But no one could or would ever take the place of my husband. And I don’t want anyone to try. I don’t want someone to replace him…I want him. The very thought of having someone else in my life is abhorrent to me.
So, you see, I really don’t want to join a dating site.
I just had a bad interpretation of what I wanted.
And I won’t find that anywhere on earth.
I was idly watching TV, not really paying any attention to it when the commercial for the dating site FarmersOnly.com came on. Completely out of the blue I wondered if I should join that.
Even before the thought was finished, my inner voice gasped at it. What am I doing? I’m thinking of looking for a date? I loved my husband so much that a part of me died with him. How the hell could I even entertain the thought of being with someone else? The thought nauseated me and scared me. Was I such a cold-hearted bitch that I could even think of joining a dating site when my husband has only been dead for barely over a month??
So I muted the TV and sat back and thought about what had just happened. Horrified at how I could even think such a thing.
And that’s when I realized exactly why I had that thought. I didn’t want someone else, I wanted what I had and lost. Somewhere in my reasoning, irrational as it is, I wanted to join that site to look for my husband. Whenever I really thought about finding someone on a site like that, my husband’s picture came to mind.
I wanted the security that he provided me. I wanted that feeling that together we could overcome anything. I wanted the love that I felt whenever he looked at me and smiled. I wanted to have that melting feeling every time he touched me. I wanted that feeling of being a part of ‘husband and wife’ as we walked or sat hand in hand.
I wasn’t a cold-hearted bitch to have that thought. I was a normal, lonely, soul-aching widow who would do anything to get back what she lost.
It’s a natural response. It’s an instinctive need to regain what was lost. In the dating world, they even have a term for it: rebound.
Mothers who have lost a child have had thoughts about having another one immediately. Widows and widowers seek out others, searching for a glimpse of what they had. Not to replace, never replace, but to regain some of what is gone forever. To ease that gaping rift.
And I can understand it. I have a huge hole in my life and nature abhors a vacuum. My mind was trying to fill the void that suddenly appeared in my life.
But no one could or would ever take the place of my husband. And I don’t want anyone to try. I don’t want someone to replace him…I want him. The very thought of having someone else in my life is abhorrent to me.
So, you see, I really don’t want to join a dating site.
I just had a bad interpretation of what I wanted.
And I won’t find that anywhere on earth.
